When I'm Triggered, I Get To...

When I was in my twenties and thirties, I gave myself permission to throw things when I was triggered. I threw tapes and CDs (yes, I’m that old), glasses, terracotta bowls, and hundreds of accusations. Somewhere in my early forties, I was dating someone who was brave enough to ask me, in the most loving way, if I truly believed what I was accusing him of and it was the first time I paused to think about what I was doing. The truth I found in that pause changed my life. I didn’t believe any of the accusations I was making. I was hurt and I believed my internal pain was a permission slip to hurt him.

Our beliefs are the fires that fuel our behaviors. If we were raised to believe that it’s okay to harm others when we’re feeling miffed, misunderstood, disrespected, or otherwise uncomfortable, we will continue to behave in unsafe ways until our belief around that behavior changes. These beliefs are sneaky because we (most often) learned them when we were too young to remember why we believe them. They're our normal, so we don't question them.

In addition, if we have suffered trauma, we may perceive others as behaving maliciously when they're not. Trauma can distort our perception, whether it's "big T" trauma (larger more obviously traumatic events) or "little t" trauma (smaller events that leave a large impact like the death of a loved one or long-term emotional abuse). It leaves an indelible mark on our psyche, which can cause us to have an outsized reaction to a current event that reminds us of the traumatic event in the past. These are often referred to as trauma responses.

For me, I often had trauma responses in my intimate relationships and always around issues of trust. When I felt I couldn't trust the other person, I would throw a fit. This was a tactic I witnessed many times as a child and it was my "normal" well into adulthood.

To identify abusive values/beliefs, you have to become somewhat of a detective, noticing when you’re behaving unsafely and digging beneath the surface to identify the belief that allowed the behavior. This practice is not easy. It's incredibly hard because you need to hold yourself accountable at a time when rage makes it very tempting to unleash the blame on someone else. It is a life-changing skill to learn though, and one step you can take to get started is to ask yourself some questions:

• What do you permit yourself to do when you’re triggered?

• What beliefs do you hold that allow you to behave that way?

• What would you have to believe in order to behave differently?

JAC Patrissi, Founder of Growing a New Heart in Massachusetts has identified 8 abusive values that show up commonly with people who cause harm. You can find the list on the A Call For Change website under Additional Resources.

Are you ready to uncover the abusive beliefs that allow you to cause harm in your intimate relationships? Give us a call. The Spark, Violence Prevention Warmline, is a free, confidential, and anonymous helpline, accessible at 1-802-613-0375 between 10 am and 10 pm daily. Responders are available to support you as you explore your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and find safer ways to show up in intimate relationships. Learn more at www.thesparkvt.org.