Creating Conditions for Hard Conversations

If you’ve dodged a difficult conversation to avoid triggering someone, you’re in the majority. Few people find it easy to broach topics they know may create friction. It can feel scary or even dangerous to do so, depending on the situation. But avoiding what’s hard to talk about often also means avoiding growth, potentially reducing safety or, in extreme settings, losing a life. Though most of us don’t need to engage in life-saving dialogue, learning how to willingly bring tension into a discussion can make it easier to engage with others in a way that promotes connection, healing, and evolution.

Yvonne Byrd has spent more than twenty years working with people who have caused harm either in their communities or their relationships. She directed the Montpelier Community Justice Center until 2020 and since then has worked part time as a mediation consultant and the director and facilitator of the Revisions Domestic Violence Accountability Program that covers Washington County. Within these roles, difficult conversations are part of the job description, so Yvonne has learned a lot and has been kind enough to share her earned wisdom on the topic during a recent interview.

Assess timing and connection

According to Yvonne, difficult conversations are much easier to have when the conditions are right. Though you may, at times, need to broach a subject regardless of readiness, you will be more successful if the person is in a more receptive space, which means both waiting until they have reached a point in their life where they can hear what you have to say and choosing a time when they are emotionally flexible enough to have the conversation. 

The men Yvonne currently works with are often coming from a background of trauma and they are all at different places in their healing process. “We have really mixed groups,” she explains. “from people who are quite accountable and remorseful and have clearly thought about what they’ve done before they arrived, to those who are totally in denial.” For those who are accountable and remorseful, conversations are much easier but for those who are in denial, it may take time to build trust and rapport. 

Rapport is essential, particularly in Yvonne’s line of work. She is aware that she doesn’t necessarily look like the type of person participants want to trust when they first meet her. For example, she recounts her thoughts during her first meeting with a forty-year-old man from New York City: “he's probably like, ‘man, this old lady, what does she know about what I grew up in?’ His mother is on the streets in New York, he’s an only child, he lives in a shelter. I wouldn't say I have no idea what he’s been through, but certainly no lived experience.” She knew it would be futile to talk about accountability until he trusts that she means well and has a perspective he could learn from. 

Create safety

By giving people space to get to know her better, Yvonne builds trust, which is the foundation for rapport that can make it safe for people to open up around topics that make them uncomfortable. “I don't try to push beyond what somebody wants to talk about,” she says. Instead, she takes her time, asking questions and learning about them, which is a natural part of the intake process. “I've had a lot of people who at intake are very hesitant, but who wind up, through the process of getting to know facilitators and the group members, willing to talk at a deep level.” 

“I think our job is to make a space for [difficult things] to be talked about, because even though the curriculum isn't built around [difficult conversations], people do begin talking when they feel safe and moved to, when they start to recognize that what they've been doing isn't workable.” By workable, she means the person can no longer ignore the negative effects of the behavior and is ready to talk about and implement changes in their life. 

Identify comfort level

According to Yvonne, “we have to be careful at figuring out where the person is in terms of their ability to talk.” When asked how she can tell when someone feels comfortable enough to go deeper, Yvonne says “if I can get someone just talking spontaneously or laughing.” Once she notices this level of comfort, she knows she can start taking more risks in conversation. She cautions that this isn’t necessarily a cue that they’re ready for a difficult conversation, but it shows that they’re comfortable enough to be at ease.

Respect shame

According to Yvonne, when people get defensive or try to shift blame to others, it may be because they feel shame. She sees shame as a good thing in this context. “Shame tells us we’ve done something wrong,” she says, which means that on some level, they are aware of the need to behave differently. When someone is sitting in shame, they may not be ready to talk about what they’ve done, but it can give you a sense for what topics they can use the most support around. 

Don’t force

According to Yvonne, “the biggest impediment to having a successful, difficult conversation is when the person introducing it has an agenda that they want to advance.” She says, “listening is uncomfortable if you feel defensive and if you're trying to make your point.” Trying to initiate a conversation from this attitude is likely to bring up the defensiveness of the person you’re talking to and will make it difficult for you to hear what the other person is saying on a deeper level.

Yvonne also notes that “if the goal is helping someone see themselves better, calling them out on their behavior may not have the effect you want.” This can be case specific, so she shares, as an example, one participant who is often defensive: “What we’ve learned is that he’s been hurt in life and maybe being so defensive is the only way he can be right now,” she says. She and her team have been able to talk to him but it took time and sensitivity to where he was at in the continuum of his learning. 

Lead from curiosity

More successful conversations come from a place of curiosity or, as Yvonne says—a place of “let’s see where this goes.” Getting to that place requires you to be self-aware. “My own experience is one of  continuously checking myself,” Yvonne says. By consistently checking in with herself to make sure she is coming from a place of curiosity rather than control, she is able to enter the conversation feeling relaxed and open to how the conversation evolves rather than feeling like it has to have a specific outcome. 

Yvonne is clear that remaining curious and actively aware of your own triggers is lifelong work. “As someone who’s become an old person,” she jokes, “I say, it’s a practice. You never get ‘there.’” She uses this process to “get better at owning my own discomfort, and accepting that other people aren’t responsible for it. And talking from that place.”

Apply wisdom

Along with the insight Yvonne has earned from years of trial and error, Yvonne also echoes the wisdom of non-violent communication, noting the importance of using “I” statements. “Which is not just a sentence that starts with ‘I,’” she points out wryly. By speaking for ourselves, we stay out of blame and are able to state what is true for us and then listen.

It’s clear that listening is just as important as speaking during a difficult conversation. “It’s a practice that we can develop if we want to—of just sitting there, taking things in. Not just waiting for the other person to finish talking and it doesn’t matter what they’re saying because you’re just waiting to make your point.” Listening intently allows them to feel heard and improves the rapport you need in order to ask more of them later. 

In everything Yvonne shared during our conversation, the theme that seemed to recur over and over was a focus on connection—connection to yourself and to the other person. By being connected and present, we can hear what the other person needs in the moment and respond without agenda. Words spoken authentically and without agenda are more likely to be heard for what they are—opportunities for growth and more connection.