A Full Life Can’t Be Lived in a Box

In a 2010 TED Talk, Tony Porter, who grew up in New York City, between Harlem and the Bronx, says that when he was younger, he was taught that “men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating, no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger, and definitely no fear. That men are in charge, which means women are not. That men lead and you should just follow and just do what we say. That men are superior. Women are inferior. That men are strong. Women are weak. That women are of less value, the property of men, and objects, particularly sexual objects. I’ve later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as ‘The Man Box.’”

Men in the box

Not all men comply with Tony’s description of men. There are plenty of men who exist outside of the Man Box, but for those raised in uncertainty (which, let’s be honest, most people are), the Man Box can feel like a safe space to live from because it’s the most widely revered and socially acceptable place for a man to occupy.

The problem with the Man Box is that it is a box. It allows certain behaviors and strengths but doesn’t allow the full range of behaviors and strengths. It demands that men be only what is accepted within the box, not the full, authentic humans they are. Men who remain in the Man Box and never learn to express all that they are can become emotionally brittle and easily drawn into anger and violence as the only allowable “manly” way to express the vast range of emotions welling up inside them. And this can make them very lonely and potentially dangerous.

How the box harms

Men who live in the Man Box can be the most dangerous to women, queer, and trans folks. For men raised with the beliefs Tony highlights, women are seen as their conquests and property and gay men may be seen as an abomination they feel morally obligated to punish for not complying with Man-Box rules. Men who were raised to see women and gay men as inferior, weak, and silly, believing it is okay to harm and control them. 

The harm they cause others can be devastating but the harm they suffer is also substantial and sadly, it may take a long time for them to recognize the pain they’re enduring because their sacrifice is lauded by a society that cares more about the image of its men than their wellbeing. For a man who has lived his life believing that he does not and should not feel emotions and must never admit to feelings of fear, uncertainty, or sadness, the suggestion that they are being harmed by society can seem like a joke, but the effects and the loss are real.

By seeing emotions as unimportant and silly, men don’t learn the vast benefits of accessing, experiencing, and managing their emotional landscape. Rather than having the freedom to express their authentic selves and build relationships based on a strong foundation of trust and true respect, they often express a very narrow band of their actual self and settle for relationships that are based on feigned or fear-based respect rather than deep, compassionate love. They are also never able to take the responsibility to figure out what their emotions are and how they operate, so the burden of their dysregulation lands on those who have been socialized to be more emotionally literate. 

Because society says they’re smarter and stronger than others, men may have a skewed perception of their place in society. Without being able to identify weaknesses or blindspots, they may struggle to correct them. Forbidden to admit to their fears, the fears often continue to haunt them and push them into unhealthy and unsafe relationships, jobs, and behaviors. And the piece that can cause the most trouble is that those who remain in the box are largely alone, unable to connect with others and blind to the vast world of love, support, and learning that surrounds them. 

What it means to leave the box

How difficult it is to leave the Man Box behind depends on multiple factors including how attached you are to your beliefs about what it means to be a man; what your social group believes about men; how aware you are of the harm you’re suffering by being stuck in the box; your awareness of the harm you’re causing women, children, and queer folks; and how badly you want out. 

A man emerging from the box may be met with judgment from friends and family. They may feel alone in their effort, but as thinking and behavior shift, new connections can be made. A new type of courage emerges as men begin to own all parts of themselves. It may feel unprotected and uncertain but it is a space where men can find true freedom. They don’t need to have power over others because they have the power of knowing themselves completely, which requires accepting themselves and taking responsibility for themselves.

Where will you start?

Stepping out of the Man Box does not have to be a massive leap into the unknown. It can begin with a shift in perspective and a willingness to identify and change values that were programmed into you when you were too young to make a conscious choice to believe them. Do you believe that men do not need to feel their emotions? Do you believe men who feel emotions like sadness, fear, and compassion are weak, silly, or unmanly? Examine these beliefs and how they affect you and those who love you. How does not showing love to your son harm you and him? How did it harm you to not feel love from your father? How would your life have been different if your father had put his arm around you and told you that he loved you no matter what you accomplished or looked like? What if you did that for your son? 

These are some good questions to start with, but don’t stop there. Pay attention to your judgments of other people, both men and women. Your judgments about others say very little about the other person but they say a lot about you. Do you find yourself looking down at someone else or thinking they’re stupid or silly? Why? What is the belief that makes you think they’re stupid, ugly, silly, unworthy? Whatever the belief is, look at it closely and identify ways that the belief or value is harming you or keeping you from expressing your most authentic self? 

It can be scary looking at the deep, dark parts of ourselves. It can feel like we’re digging up stuff that could potentially hurt us. It may make you feel weak or silly or scared to identify thoughts that you’ve believed for a long time and which you know are not serving you and are allowing you to harm other people. You don’t have to do it all at once. This is an invitation to take one small step. Investigate one small piece of your psyche or belief system that you’re ready to look at. Notice one way that you’re keeping yourself disconnected in order to fit in with society’s view of you. The more you see yourself, the more you’ll have access to and the more you’ll realize that the box isn’t real and you will find real power, freedom, respect, love, and connection outside of the box and receiving all of that won’t hurt anyone else in the process.